I went back to the place where I first saw her. I watched the crowds hustle and bustle about their business. I tried to remember what it felt like the first time. It was easier than I thought and I smile even now to think on it.
There is so much to remember, so much that has happened to me since I first left home to become a man. I wish I could find the portraits of my parents that I brought with me. I am certain they are around here somewhere... the exact where is always the trick. I will ask Fleur the next time I see her. She is quite adept at finding things that Ive lost.

I remember when I first got to know Azure. Truth be told, we did not get along as well back then. I didn't dislike her, but it took a very long time for her to warm up to me. Sreip helped in that regard, I think. A common ally at least. She used to constantly spout what she called 'doggerel.' It was quite endearing really. She has become a lot more lively since then... 'dashy' if I had to put a word to it and even that is a bit unnerving at times. I'm waiting for her to crash into me one day when she lets her mind wander too far from her feet. I can't remember where or how I met her exactly. In Dundee Inn, I suspect, as that is the usual meeting-of-new-people place. I still have the wooden links she carved for me. I keep them tucked away so they aren't broken when we go to battle. They remind of our narrow escape from N'rolav. And a something my Mother used to tell me, "Son, it's the bonds we make with others that speak loudest about who we really are."
Of course, she was not talking about who we forge bonds with but their strength and value.

Which brings me back to where I am standing. I remember the first time I saw Fleur here on the balcony of Caer Laleldan. And I remember thinking to myself that I might die on the spot if ever such a lovely creature looked at me with such intense love and adoration as I could see in her.

The good news is that I have not perished. And I remember every glance ever turned my way since the day we met. I just pray the gods favor me enough to make the last thing I ever see in these lands is the love light in her eyes.

Sometimes I am foolish. Sometimes I am selfish. And sometimes, just sometimes... someone calls me on it.
I suppose these past several days I have been both of them.

I turned my armor into Arturon for destruction and purchased a new set from the armory in the Fortress. I am certain that I would never feel clean in that armor again. Fortunately, the goldspun was salvaged without any damage or lasting... odor. Otherwise Fleur would definitely have my head.

I had a sister once. A very long time ago. I think I only ever talked to Fleur about her. It was a very long time ago.
Azure sometimes makes me feel like I still have a sister. There’s a kind of connection that cannot be explained or understood by others. She can be so frustrating and irritating, and... as much as I hate to admit it – she was 'rifter blasted right! I have a feeling Fleur put her up to it. I don't think she would have gone into the Tombs alone to find me. She would definitely smudge my armor if she heard me say that, fearless as she is.

The darkness gets to you sometimes. I was just wishing that maybe I could do something… anything… to feel like I was making a difference. Find some sort of feeling of rightness in everything that has ever gone so wrong. She was right, after all. And it is sometimes infuriating. But it’s not her fault. There are better ways to spend my energy. I am more than a killer and it has become painfully obvious to me that killing will do little for me. The darkness makes me feel so alone. And in spite of all the light I carry with me, I will never have a permanent solution to overcoming the darkness. I have killed countless monsters, demons, and various aggressive forms of wildlife that would savor the taste of my blood and in the end the only thing changed is me.

I grow weary of the fight at times. At other times, I long to heap damage on the enemy with every thrust of my weapon. Azure spoke of the light inside of me and I suppose I lost sight of that. I’m not sure I can find it so easily anymore. I guess I just need some help sometimes. I know what Fleur would say and I can clearly picture the look on her face. It is worth it, at times, to make foolish selfish mistakes just to watch her react to my undoing.

We all have a duty, we all have love in our own way, and we must all do what we can to protect our lands and our Queen.
I may never be the best Knight in the lands. I will definitely never be the most heroic. I suppose the best I can offer is just be the best I can. I make my own mistakes and I will keep searching for my own answers. But I will do it now with fresh armor and with Sunrifter over my shoulder.

I am afraid that when I return to Fleur she will see that piece of darkness that haunts the back of my mind. I fear this war brings a coldness to the edges of our hearts that cannot be thawed by the heat of battle – no matter how hard I try. For now, I shouldn’t think too long on it. Even my journal gets tired of my unmetered thoughts.

To the Inn? Good idea, Raffe.

Ive worn blisters on top of blisters until my hands are bleeding.
And yet, nothing makes a difference.
I can kill until there is nothing left of me.
And still, nothing makes a difference.

I think Ive lost my direction. The inky blackness of these tombs feels more like a mire than the swamps ever did. Still, here I am. Ive exhausted my supply of salves now. And all I can think about is Fleur's teasing smile and gentle touch when she heals me. I wish she were here. I wish she would never have to come here. I wish I could stay here long enough to make sure my beautiful wife never had to endure the disgust that wells up inside from just stepping in here... or ever have to face the many horrors that lie in wait in the darkest of places in these lands.

I just want to see a light in the darkness, an end of... this. I think if I sit here long enough...
If I sit here long enough...
fight here long enough...
kill enough...
It will come.

And my blood will be insignificant. The stench of this place will be forgotten, the light will press the darkness back to thin shadow, and the children of these lands will no longer live in so much fear.

I think if I fight long enough. If we all fight long enough...

I was wondering where I left this thing. Very careless of me... but I suppose I have not had a lot to write about in ages. Actually, that's not strictly true. I think I was going through a more private stage, where even telling my journal felt like betraying a trust. It happens. I'm over it.

I went into the Tomb of the High Kings today. Surprisingly I spent more than a few marcs there - Not training and not even killing to collect spoils in order to trade for something of value. I was just... killing. For no other reason than I could. Hundreds and hundreds of Tomb Wretches. As long as I could stand it. Just killing to kill. Over... and over... hack, swing, slash... bloodied carcass over bloodied carcass.

I don't feel guilty about it. I guess they deserve it. Something tells me they deserve it. Evil, vile, wretched creatures. Death is a release, a way out of their twisted malevolent existence. I hate that place. I hate those things. Things. There is no better word for them. Barely alive - certainly not living in the way we know life. Animated maybe is a better word. Enough so to be dangerous... but only to those that venture there, only to those that wish to fight them. And I did. I wanted to kill them until my body ached. I wanted to punish them for every harm or hurt that has been dealt to my family, my guild and my homeland. I wanted every strike to give me a little more release from this war and make things better. Make the days in Valorn that much brighter.

It didn't work. I left there unsatisfied. Aching, covered in gods-know-what that oozed from their rotting flesh. I may never get the stench of N'rolav off of me... or worse, I fear, there may always be a piece of that darkness inside of me. It didn't do anything. Sunrifter did not shine any brighter in Valorn when I returned home to beloved guildhall. There is no easy end to this war against evil. No way out of this curse the demon lord has placed on our lands.

I'm tired.

I will go back when I'm refreshed.
Because I can.